“Marriage is the best!” 

That’s a statement I seldom hear from couples married for more than a couple of years. Yet, my twenty-three-year marriage with my wife, Lori, has been an incredible journey. Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it has been well worth the effort. Even though we are both selfish, sinful people who continually need forgiveness from God and one another, we choose to put in the work required to experience the joy God intends marriage to bring. Even in a culture where marriage is under attack, biblical marriage should be an enjoyable experience.

Through the years, Lori and I have had the unique opportunity to counsel married and unmarried couples. Every couple is different, but as we have met with couples and learned from their experiences, we have discovered three universal principles that set flourishing marriages apart. We call these the three “C’s.” When couples focus on these three areas, they create a solid foundation to build their relationship. Most biblical marriage elements (i.e., humility, love, conflict resolution, etc.) fall within these three “C’s.” As you reflect on these three “C’s,” consider how God wants to change or develop you into the spouse he desires you to be.

Christ

To fulfill God’s purpose for marriage, Christ must be the established foundation. Francis Chan writes, “We all must prioritize our eternal relationship with our Creator above all things. When two people are right with Him, they will be right with each other.”1 The pre-marital counseling we received in 1999 emphasized this truth. By God’s grace, my wife and I were Christ followers when we married and had a healthy relationship with God. We were naïve on many levels regarding our marriage, but we knew our relationship with Christ would be paramount. 

Jesus commanded us to “…love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30, ESV). In essence, Jesus tells us to love him with everything we are and do. That includes our marriages. To accomplish this, Lori and I prioritize Christ consistently in several ways. First, we individually spend regular time with God by reading the Bible and praying. Second, we have always been part of a Bible study group. These groups help us grow in our faith with other believers. Third, we serve and worship together at our church. Lastly, we utilize opportunities to strengthen our marriage by attending conferences, reading books, and teaching others about marriage. 

Commitment

Marriage is permanent (Mark 10:7-9, ESV). Jesus used a Greek word meaning “to glue together” when explaining the perpetuity of marriage. Because it is permanent, marriage should not be taken lightly. It requires a strong, lifelong commitment. In modern culture, too many couples give up early in their marriages. Studies reveal that about two-thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy if couples stay together for five years.2Many couples do not endure. They give up. When couples recite vows on their wedding day, they often think “in the moment,” but Tim Keller writes, “Wedding vows are not a declaration of present love but a mutually binding promise of future love.”3 Your vows are a commitment to never quit on your marriage.

We have been married for almost twenty-four years and are thankful that we have never considered ending our marriage. We agree that our marriage is stronger than it was in January 2000. We have had difficult times in our marriage, both internal and external, but we committed to God and each other years ago that we would remain “glued together” as long as we are alive. God never gives up on us, so we strive to never give up on each other. We recommend every couple work toward being best friends with their spouse. That has emboldened our relationship immensely, strengthening our commitment.

Communication

In a marriage workbook we use when counseling pre-marital couples, the author states, “Communication is to love what blood is to life.”4 Developing stronger communication skills is essential in any marriage. Many of the conflicts we have experienced in our marriage are, on some level, a result of poor communication. The Bible commands us to “…be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19, ESV). Many of us get that backward. We are quick to speak, quick to anger, and slow to listen. From personal experience, Lori and I can tell you how detrimental that can be to a marriage relationship. Communication begins and ends with listening to your spouse.

Fortunately, our communication with one another has grown immensely over the years. We still have moments when we fall back into sinful patterns of selfishness that hinder healthy communication, but marriage is a lifelong learning journey. We are a work in progress, and we press on, knowing the fight toward healthier communication is worth it. Married couples should be lovingly transparent and authentic with one another while, at the same time, becoming better listeners.

If you desire a healthy and happy marriage, you must be willing to work hard. For us, the work is reaping immense benefits. We firmly believe if you and your spouse prioritize the three “C’s,” you will be well on your way to building a marriage that honors God. We pray that your marriage will become all that Christ desires it to be.

  1. Francis Chan and Lisa Chan, You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity (Claire Love Publishing, 2014), 20. ↩︎
  2. Linda White, et al, Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages (American Values Institute, 2002).                ↩︎
  3. Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God, Reprint edition. (Penguin Books, 2013), 87. ↩︎
  4. H. Norman Wright and Wes Roberts, Before You Say “I Do”: A Marriage Preparation Guide for Couples (Harvest House Publishers, 2019), 59. ↩︎