The sober reminders are everywhere.

There’s one less setting at the dinner table, one less stocking hanging from the mantle. The one who cooked the amazing meal or voiced the Thanksgiving prayer is absent. The one who used to go into the attic to bring down the tree and decorations is no longer available to help with these tasks. You can even feel triggered walking into a store because a Christmas carol reminds you of happier days.

Navigating the journey through grief is difficult at any time of year, but the holidays can be especially tough. Everything is intensified. Everyone longs to be with family and friends at Thanksgiving and Christmas, experiencing joy and happiness together and celebrating the true meaning of the holidays. These hopes and expectations are portrayed in advertisements for everything from automobiles to hardware stores, from vacation destinations to assorted beverages. And everyone is smiling and so happy. But you might have a sense of dread and even guilt when you can’t be excited about the holidays because something has changed, and someone you love will no longer share them. A woman grieving the loss of her husband said, “I just wish I could go to sleep the day before Thanksgiving and wake up on January 2nd.”

Even though nothing will completely wipe away those feelings of grief and sorrow during the holiday season, there are some steps you can take to blunt the sharpness of the heartache and move forward with purpose and hope. Rather than succumbing to the urge to pull away or pretending that everything is fine and the occasional sadness is a mere inconvenience, consider these constructive tips that can aid in the healing process, even during the most challenging time of the year.

Expect emotional ambushes.

You are not weak for feeling sad. There is nothing wrong with you, and you don’t need someone or something to fix you. Resist telling yourself that you should be beyond this by now. Grieving is not an exact science, and experiencing sadness during the holidays when you have lost someone you love is normal. It would be more concerning if you didn’t share a sense of melancholy and nostalgia for holidays of the past with your loved one. Emotional ambushes can come when you least expect them. That’s the way grief is. It can come and go as you process life without the person you loved and lost. And when it does happen, you don’t need to ask yourself, “Where did that come from?” Don’t be afraid of the emotions. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is “a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”

Plan ahead.

Feeling a sense of obligation to be strong for everyone else so that their holiday will still be memorable can be exhausting when you struggle with waves of sadness yourself. If your loved one always prepared the Thanksgiving meal, invite other loved ones to share in this year’s preparation. If they always voiced the Thanksgiving prayer before the meal, ask someone else to be prepared to do so this year.  If your loved one always went to great lengths to decorate the house, ask others to help you put up some decorations, but don’t feel compelled to do it how or to the extent that it was always done before. If you have decided to accept an invitation to a Christmas party but still feel emotional and unsure if you want to stay the whole time, take your own car—don’t carpool—so that you are free to leave when you are ready.

Turn to God.

Both Thanksgiving and Christmas are about acknowledging God’s presence in our lives. Thanksgiving harkens back to the historical event in American history when Christians expressed gratitude for God’s care and provisions. Christmas is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ—God with us (Matthew 1:23). When we are grieving the loss of someone we loved, of all times, the holidays should be when we turn to God and seek His comfort.  When we turn to God, he gives us peace and hope. He understands how it feels when someone you love dies. He knows what it is like to feel overwhelmed by grief and sorrow. He knows how loneliness feels. Jesus encourages us to turn to him when we are weighed down with sadness and the burden of grief. Matthew 11:28-30 records Jesus saying, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

As you experience the comfort of God, encourage someone else who might need a word of comfort or just the presence of someone who cares. Turning outward and serving will help you heal inwardly. You will find comfort by comforting others. The Apostle Paul echoes this biblical principle in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

Helpful Resources:

Looking for additional resources on grief and loss? Here are a few resources Scott Riling highly recommends:

H. Norman Wright, Recovering from Losses in Life (Grand Rapids: Revell, 2006).

C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (San Francisco: HarperOne, 2001).

Jerry L. Sittser, A Grace Disguised (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004).

GriefShare – A Support group offered by Champion Forest every Fall and Spring