May I ask you a personal question?
Is there anyone in your life who has sinned against you (hurt, rejected, abused, betrayed you) whom you have never forgiven?
God desires for us to experience a life that is full and overflowing with peace, joy, meaning, purpose, and contentment. Just hear these words from one of my favorite Scriptures, John 10:10: “I [Jesus] have come that they might have life and have it to the full.” Sadly, for many of us who claim to be followers of Christ, our lives are often characterized by anxiety, bitterness, discouragement, and fear. Having had the honor of spending thousands of hours in the counseling office helping people who are hurting, I’ve noticed that most people who come for counseling indicate that they have at least one person in their life who has sinned against them and whom they have never forgiven.
Regarding forgiveness, I’ve heard it said:
- We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies (Dr. Martin Luther King).
- A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
- “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ, God forgave you” (Eph 4:31-32 (ESV).
If we are to forgive others as God has forgiven us in Christ, then we are called to forgive completely.
So, what keeps us from forgiving those who have sinned against us?
- They don’t deserve it.
- They haven’t apologized.
- My negative feelings are so strong that I just can’t.
- We don’t fully understand biblical forgiveness.
The Effects of Unforgiveness
In Hebrews 12:14-15 we read, “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness, no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”.
A bitter root harms us internally (it “causes trouble,” v. 15).
One definition of “trouble” is “inner turmoil” (anxiety, stress, anger, resentment, insomnia, depression, critical spirit, negativity). Unforgiveness produces inner turmoil. Allowing a bitter root of unforgiveness to grow inside us is like:
- Drinking a deadly poison that we intended for the person who hurt us.
- A newly painted house infested with termites. It looks beautiful on the outside, but it’s slowly being destroyed on the inside.
- Pac Man gobbling up everything in its path, including our peace, joy, and contentment in life and in the Lord.
A bitter root of unforgiveness also harms us externally in our relationships (it “defiles many,” v. 15).
To defile means to make foul or impure, to pollute, spoil, or rot. It’s like opening that Tupperware container that has been in the fridge for 2 months. A bitter root of unforgiveness causes us to have relationships that stink!
You may say, “I know I have a bitter root of unforgiveness, but my unforgiveness is like a laser beam; it’s only directed toward the person who hurt me, so it doesn’t affect any of my other relationships.” But don’t be fooled. A bitter root subconsciously and indirectly affects every relationship you have in a negative way.
A bitter root causes us to settle for a quality of life far beneath God’s very best for us (it causes us to “miss the grace of God,” v.15).
Unforgiveness robs us of the victorious life that Jesus promised us in John 10:10. When we hold on to hurt, resentment, and anger, it harms us much more than it harms our offender.
What Biblical Forgiveness is Not
Forgiveness is not a feeling.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with feelings. It has to do with obeying God’s command to forgive, even when you don’t “feel like it.”
Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness.
No, in fact, it’s just the opposite. Forgiving those who have sinned against you may take more strength and courage than anything you have ever done.
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
You’ve likely heard it said, “Just forgive and forget.” This phrase can not only be flippant and insensitive, but it’s also simply not reality. The goal of forgiveness is not to forget. Instead, the goal is to alleviate the emotional sting that goes with the memory, either instantly or over time.
Forgiveness is not immediately trusting the person who hurt you.
Forgiveness and trust are two completely separate issues. Forgiveness is immediate. Trust takes time and is built on the other person establishing a consistent track record of being trustworthy.
What Biblical Forgiveness Is
Forgiveness is a conscious choice to release (pardon) the person who hurt you from the debt they owe you.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with feelings. It’s choosing to open the door to the prison cell and letting the prisoner go free whether we feel like it or not.
Forgiveness is a choice to accept and live with the consequences of someone else’s sin.
Forgiveness allows us to stop living in the past and move on with our lives as we trust the Lord to meet all our needs (Phil. 4:19).
Forgiveness is a choice to let go of anger, bitterness, and resentment by “wiping the slate clean.”
When we choose to forgive our offender, God frees us to live the life of freedom he has already provided for us.
Forgiveness is a choice to give up my right to hurt my offender for hurting me (revenge).
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord” (Rom 12:18-19).
So, as you forgive, be encouraged and reminded that God loves you with all his heart and wants the very best for you. He has forgiven you completely, and he will give you the strength to forgive completely, as well!
Note: It is often unnecessary and unwise to forgive face to face, and this may make matters worse. God knows your heart, and you can forgive and be completely set free without confronting your offender.
