How to Shatterproof Your Friendships

Do you struggle with Glass House Syndrome?

Many women, if not most, suffer from it to some degree. We crave transparent and intimate relationships, yet we self-protect against the “stones” that threaten to shatter our hearts and carefully crafted self-images.

According to Quora.com, “People in the public eye, such as politicians or actors, are exposed to public judgment and criticism. They are said to ‘live in glass houses’: vulnerable, exposed to the public, and their persona as fragile as glass.” High-profile or not, I propose we all live with a degree of this vulnerability. Our tendency is often to hide ourselves and our secrets as we promote a more favorable or acceptable façade, but the thing is, brick walls and stone hearts aren’t the answer to shatter-proofed friendships. Physical and emotional isolation is a painful consolation for personal protection.

We need each other. God made it so.

Consider 1 John 1:5-7: “God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1:5-7, ESV). James 5:16 (ESV) also tells us: “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

The enemy employs lies, shame, pride, and hurt, among other wiles, to sabotage transparency. He does not want our prayers to have great power, but we desperately do!

The potential pitfalls of vulnerable friendships are real. We’ve all suffered and inflicted harm. We’re all wounded, and hurt people hurt people. We’re all guilty of hurting others, but when our hearts are held secure in the Father’s righteous (and just) right hand, we are equipped to extend a genuine hand of friendship with an open heart.

When fear of man imprisons us in solitary confinement, or we feel we can’t be honest about our sin struggles for fear our walls might come tumbling down, the way forward is to become the friend we want to have. Here are six characteristics of safe friends you can work to embody as you look for the same characteristics in other women.

1. Drop your stone.

Our sin nature magnifies others’ faults, making them look worse than our own. In John 8:2-11, Jesus leveled the playing field when he exposed the prideful religious hypocrisy in Jewish accusers who brought an adulterous woman to Jesus for condemnation. Rather than vindicate, he rebuked, saying, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (verse 7).

Safe friendships start with humble hearts and empty hands because we recognize the gravity of our common sin condition (regardless of the details of our specific sin choices and actions). Perhaps Jesus’ words inspired the saying, “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” How can we criticize others for actions that emerge from the same sinful nature as our own?

2. Be trustworthy.

Like Jesus, make yourself available, speak the truth, and say what’s right (see Proverbs 8:6-9, 23:16, and Isaiah 45:19). Be someone through whom the immeasurable, incomprehensible love of God covers a multitude of sins (see 1 Peter 4:8). As a close friend once said to me, “I’m a vault. Whatever you tell me stays with me.” As a general rule, be a vault. (Exception: If they are in danger or they have put someone else in danger, take appropriate action.)

3. Be vulnerable.

Test the waters. When you first get to know a potential friend, share something personal that isn’t private. Become more vulnerable as you see evidence that the waters are safe. When she is faithful with little, entrust her with much (see Luke 16:10).

4. Trust God as you trust others.

Guard your heart against its innate wickedness and that which threatens to defile, not against potentially trustworthy sister-friends. Because people are sinners, and sin is destructive, trust requires risk. The key forward is to confidently relinquish our hearts to God even as we expose our weaknesses to others.

5. Watch people.

Open hands can’t hold stones of condemnation. Look for friends whose hands are empty but whose hearts are full of Jesus. Listen to the words of a person’s mouth as the outflow of what’s in their heart. Is that potential confidante a gossip? Does she speak the best of others or the worst? Does she grumble and complain about everyone and everything? Do her words produce life or death (see Proverbs 18:21)? Would you want to feast on the fruit of her words? We don’t reject people for their sinful nature or specific sins (see no. 1), but we love them and extend kindness, love, and mercy. As you live and speak words of life, wisely observe and risk vulnerability according to a person’s habitual behavior.

6. Forgive fast.

If you are hurt, forgive. Be difficult to offend. If there’s repentance, reconcile. If you forgive the person but they continue in harmful behavior, show kindness while prayerfully using wisdom regarding future contact. 

In his love for us and others, God is infinitely qualified to be the guard over our hearts so we can be free to be safe friends who enjoy shatter-proofed friendships behind our glass walls.