Marriage is a beautiful, God-ordained union, but it is often surrounded by misconceptions that can lead to unrealistic expectations or dissatisfaction in a marriage. It’s important to recognize these lies for what they are: lies.
1. Your spouse will complete you.
The phrase “you complete me” gained popularity after the movie Jerry Maguire. Jerry, dramatically played by Tom Cruise, declares his love for Dorothy using this phrase, and Hollywood portrays this in such a romantic way. The phrase might be cute, but it is misleading. If you look to anybody but the Lord to complete you, you will always be disappointed because humans make mistakes. Relying solely on your partner for emotional fulfillment, happiness, intellectual engagement, and all of life’s other needs is a one-way ticket to resentment and will unnecessarily burden your marriage.
Instead, think about it this way: Your spouse is meant to complement you, not complete you. To complement is to add something in a way that enhances or improves it. To complete is to make perfect. Only Jesus can fully satisfy, fulfill, & complete you. Avoid placing unfair exceptions on your spouse by recognizing that they should complement you, but they cannot meet your deepest needs or satisfy you as Christ can. No matter how good of a husband I aim to be, I won’t complete my spouse; that is God’s job, not mine.
2. Your spouse will be your source of happiness.
Believe me, my wife does heavenly influence my level of happiness and contributes to it, but she isn’t my ultimate source of happiness or joy. I will only find true, lasting joy in Christ, and this requires keeping God my priority and allowing him alone to sit on the throne of my heart, even before my spouse. Getting this out of order is dangerous, but it is very easy to do. We must be careful not to allow our spouse to become an idol in our lives. God must always be first; when he is, everything else will be in their rightful places.
So, day in and day out, don’t put the expectation and heavy burden on your spouse to be your ultimate source of joy. It is a good thing to pursue your spouse and to contribute to their happiness, but do so with God as your ultimate priority and the expectation that he alone will satisfy your soul.
3. Marriage will solve all of your problems.
I’ve heard it said, “Marriage won’t fix your problems, but it will reveal them.” Marriage is a very beautiful, satisfying, and good thing, but if there are unaddressed issues in your life or relationship, those issues will resurface in your marriage.
Just because you said, “I do,” doesn’t mean those problems will magically or automatically disappear. Debt doesn’t disappear; Lust doesn’t just leave. You have to work hard in and for your marriage. Make adjustments, seek solutions, maybe even seek help or counseling, but don’t ignore your problems. A great benefit of marriage is the gift of a partner who can encourage, help, and hold you accountable.
4. A good marriage just happens.
Fawn Weaver once said: “A great marriage isn’t something that just happens. It’s something that must be created.”1 She also argues that the greatest marriages are built on these four things: teamwork, mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love & grace.2
Marriage was and is God’s idea. It is beautiful, but it takes work and intentionality to maintain a truly great marriage. If you aren’t willing to work hard to plant the right seeds in your marriage, don’t expect to have a happy & healthy marriage. Here are some examples of beneficial seeds you can plant that will produce a positive harvest in your marriage:
- Pray, Pray, Pray! Pray for your marriage and each other, and pray with each other often.
- Invest in your marriage by attending a conference or marriage enrichment event or listening to a marriage-related podcast together.
- Use your words to build up instead of tear down.
- Be quick to forgive.
These are just a few examples, but the point is that to have a great marriage, you both must be willing to work hard to build and sustain a great marriage.
5. Healthy marriages are conflict-free.
A marriage consists of two imperfect people sharing life together—up close and personal, might I add. Obviously, there will be conflicts and disagreements. As a matter of fact, if you have no conflict at all, I’d encourage you to take a closer look at your marriage and ask, “Why?” Does one partner tend to just let everything go? Do you and your spouse avoid or suppress conflict, sweeping unaddressed issues under the rug? It is vital to a marriage to extend grace & practice quick forgiveness, but you can’t hold everything in. You may keep the peace for the moment, but an explosion is bound to happen in the future.
A marriage marked by continual strife is another story, but conflict can be normal—even helpful—when handled in a healthy and mindful way. Constructive conflict actually has the potential to bring couples closer together. Remember: It’s ok to disagree, but do so without belittling or yelling at your spouse. Speak the truth in love and seek a solution together (teamwork!). At the end of the day, conflict is an opportunity to grow and improve as a couple.
