“So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.”
James 3:5-6
I was hurt and angry, and hateful words smoldered behind my locked but loaded lips. Thank God (and I truly credit God himself), I held my tongue, which James 3:5 compares to a small spark that can set forests ablaze. Speaking my mind may have momentarily gratified my flesh, but my verbal retaliation—set on fire by hell (see verse 6)—would’ve kindled a five-alarm event!
Sadly, for many years, my strong emotions frequently overruled God’s still small voice that whispered, “Let me quiet you with my love, quiet your emotions, thoughts, and words. Let me do the talking. Give me room to work.”
I have found that reckless outbursts wreck people and relationships and are never worth it; the best way to avoid the regret of rash words is to restrain them in the first place. It’s always worth it.
So how do we fireproof our tongues?
Biblical Help to Tame a Fiery Tongue
Heed the truth: the tiny tongue is capable of colossal carnage.
Miniature but mighty, the tongue is “a world of unrighteousness…a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (3:5-6, 8). Its hurtful words have the power to shape our thoughts, beliefs, and decisions for a lifetime. It can inflict irreversible damage and alter another’s course of life. If we dismiss our tongue’s potential for destruction, we leave room for hell to accelerate fires wrought with wounding words.
Recognize the helplessness of the flesh.
While other beasts and creatures can be controlled by mankind, “no human being can tame the tongue” (3:8). I am not the exception, and neither are you. We cannot wage war against our tongue in our flesh, which Jesus declares “no help at all” (John 6:63). “It is the Spirit who gives life,” he clarifies, so we must allow the Spirit to rule when our flesh rages.
Examine the heart.
As God would have it, the following Sunday’s sermon was all about our words. “Word problems are heart problems,” our pastor, Steven Morris, explained, a modern paraphrase of Jesus’ own words in Luke 6:45 (ESV): “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”
If our words scorch people and relationships, we have a heart problem. “An honest look at our words will give us a clear view of our hearts,” Morris emphasized.
My desire to verbally assault my husband that day was my heart problem, not his, no matter what lit my fire. I had to come to God with a true heart, which Andrew Murray describes as “a heart that is wholly honest with God, and surrendered entirely to Him.”1 With a true heart, we can echo King David’s prayer in Psalm 51:10-11 (NIV), “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.”
When we are honest with Jesus about the evil in our hearts and helplessness of our flesh, he is there to help! Author Dane Ortland would say that the very thing that makes us desperate for Jesus and doomed without him is that which draws him most intensely to us in compassion and kindness.2
As God changes our hearts, it will change our words. I can testify: the more he cleanses my heart, the gentler and kinder my tongue.
Choose words of life.
Proverbs 18:21 (ESV) minces no words: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” James 3:10 (ESV) warns, “From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.”
As born-again Christ followers, our words should reflect the new heart, new nature, and Spirit of God within us. That’s not to say we’re unsaved if we verbally assault someone, but our new heart is to be a spring of life (see Proverbs 4:23), even when our hearts smolder with intense emotions.
Here are a few things that help me:
- Pause and pray. Take a few minutes, days, or longer to consider your emotions, motives, and words in prayer.
- Talk with someone you trust.
- Share your emotions and reactions with someone who will show compassion and give you biblical perspective.
- Write out what you want to say. Express yourself on paper for your eyes only—no judgment, just honesty. This helps me process, and many a volatile exchange has been extinguished on the page as God revealed and addressed the root of the problem: me and my combustible sin nature.
- Let God tell you what to say, if anything at all. “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” (Proverbs 21:23 ESV). Paul instructs us in Ephesians 4:29 (NIV), “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
- Remember, even if what you want to say is true, it may not need to be spoken. Here’s a helpful acrostic (source unknown) to help us THINK before we speak.
T – Is it True?
H – Is it Helpful?
I – Is it Inspiring?
N – Is it Necessary?
K – Is it Kind?
In the heat of the moment, it’s hard to hold the tongue. It’s a discipline that “seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11, ESV).
