Shared experiences over time create meaningful bonds that are difficult to replicate when relationships are new or young. I call them “friendships with history,” or, to borrow a Hebrew term, friends we yāda’ or “know experientially.” Yāda’ describes the journey from head knowledge to heart knowledge, where information about God becomes intimate knowledge of God (see Psalm 46:20). We experience his character, attributes, and heart in different circumstances and seasons, just like we do with friends over time.
Friendships Worth Treasuring
I treasure friends with history because, for many years, I had none. After high school, several significant moves and lifestyle changes reset my clock. When James and I moved to Magnolia in our early thirties, distance diminished the closeness with friends we made as newlyweds with an instant blended family. We started over, risked awkward conversations, and made uncomfortable first moves with neighbors and church friends.
For twenty years, we shared adventures, birthdays, holidays, and milestones as we raised our kids together through heartbreak, sickness, school decisions, injuries, miscarriages, infant and parent deaths, personal failures and deep soul work, prodigal kids, and conflict. These are our friends with history.
Our more recent bonds have been formed with peers navigating the unfamiliar territory of adult children, empty nests, and expanding family trees. Our yāda’ years are fewer with these new friends, but our hearts are bound to the Lord and each other as we anticipate the blessings, unknowns, and challenges of future seasons with aging parents, retirement, and beyond.
I don’t know your experience or the current state of your friendship slate, but if you’ll allow me, I want to challenge you to embrace “Three steps that Lead to Lasting Friendships.”
Three Steps That Lead to Lasting Friendships
Practice the hospitality of a generous heart.
Lasting friendships grow in open hearts that welcome strangers with kindness (see Romans 12:13 and Job 6:14). It’s about inviting others into your life—imperfections, messiness, and all—to share life together.
Yāda friendships form and grow face-to-face (see Exodus 33:11), so we need to make room in our lives, schedules, and living spaces for them.
I would also say hospitable hearts expand established circles. One of my first yāda’ friends in Magnolia was a neighbor who invited me into her circle of friends with history. Because of their hospitable hearts, they’ve become some of my most cherished friends in history.
Do hard things.
Every friendship with history starts fresh; someone has to risk the first move. Make awkward eye contact. Smile. Stumble through clumsy conversations to find common ground. Linger after group gatherings officially end. I’ve forced myself to stand around like a sore thumb after neighborhood gatherings, church events, and Bible studies. Keep showing up. Stay present. Brush off discouraging misfires and backfires.
Risk authenticity and trust. Like Jesus, we can trust our lives and hearts to our Father in Heaven as we allow ourselves to know and be known, even though it makes us vulnerable to hurt and betrayal (see Matthew 26:50 ESV).
Make grace your starting point, especially when sin introduces hardship into the friendship. It will, on both sides. Work through conflict and forgive.
Expect little from people and exceeding abundance from God. Love others where they are as God works in them and you. Tolerate weaknesses and imbalances, even when you feel like you always initiate. If it’s a fruitful friendship you value, humbly persevere.
Be open to friends of all ages. My most intimate friend, who knows the most unfiltered me, is in her eighties, while the bulk of the friends James and I live in community with as a couple are in their thirties with littles.
Embrace unlikely prospects. Jesus was a friend of sinners and his culture’s most despised (see Matthew 11:19). In time, the one you struggle to connect with may become a beloved companion.
Sadly, friends now might not be friends forever. People, goals, choices, circumstances, and gratifications change. God may distance us to draw us closer, prosper his plans, or create space for different friends. I grieved and trusted God through an extensive period of loss and restoration when circumstances tore a yet irreplaceable friendship from my life. I am thankful because I yāda’d the friendship of Christ and learned to follow his lead to identify and invest in friendships he favors for me.
Be committed and resourceful.
As long as a friend is a friend, stand with, for, and defend them (see Psalm 15:3). Give counsel that makes the heart glad (see Proverbs 27:6, 27:9, and Ephesians 4:15). Love at all times, even in adversity, and stick close (see Proverbs 17:17 and 18:24).
When life stages and children’s ages limit your in-person capacity, get creative. Share activities, rides, and errands. Tackle taunting projects together. Leverage technology. I “see” one friend all the time through video chat. Make plans early or late. I occasionally sacrifice sleep or morning quiet to walk with a friend or sip coffee on my front porch swing. Recently, I joined a group of young moms who gather every other Monday at 7:30 p.m. for Bible study and accountability. The frequency is manageable, and the start time accommodates family dinners and kids’ bedtimes.
Carve out hours when you can, then maximize moments in between. God can multiply minutes through text, phone, apps, church, and around other activities. I had an unexpected ten minutes to catch up with a dear friend when she “randomly” parked in the curbside space beside me. The intimacy and delight of that encounter lingered for weeks.
Today’s Experience, Tomorrow’s History
Today’s new connection could become tomorrow’s friend with history. My prayer is that seeds of friendship take root in hearts willing to cultivate them with care and intentionality.
